I'm doing a bit better. I'm letting some things go and really focusing on things I enjoy. I'm swimming and fucking around in the pool a few days a week. I'm working, which is a huge thing for me - when I'm not working, I feel completely fucking useless. I'm also letting up a tiny bit on the rigidity of my scheduled life.
Still, it's taking a while to get to where I want to be, and there are still moments - days, sometimes - where I think, "This is completely fucking useless. Nothing is going to change. My life is terrible, people are terrible, the world is terrible - it's all terrible. Nothing will ever change."
And then, today, while I was fucking around on Tumblr, I ran across this:
|From Humans of New York|
In case you can't read it, it says:
"Bank robbery was my crime of choice. You know, I hadn’t committed a single crime until the age of 54. But then I robbed my first bank, and after that I went on quite a tear."I read that, and it made me happy. It gave me hope. It showed me that just because I'm 45, doesn't mean that nothing will ever change. There is the possibility that the new and unexpected will happen.
Sure, that guy's change was robbing banks, but my point is this: I no longer feel like I'm never going to do anything different, that I'll never accomplish anything. This guy's life didn't change until he was 54. It may have changed in a not-so-good direction, but IT CHANGED. That's all I'm looking for - the knowledge that this isn't all there is.
So thanks, Bank Robber, and thanks, Humans of New York, for making me see that there's a world of possibilities waiting for me.