Thursday, July 31, 2014


I don't sleep well.

I haven't, for many, many years. Some nights I can fall asleep quickly, but wake up between 4-7 times - generally on the hour - until I finally get up for the day. Some nights I can't fall asleep at all until 3-4-5 am, or I fall asleep and wake up for good at about 3am and then spend then next day LAUGHING AND LAUGHING. [I am a slaphappy tired person.] Every once in a great, great while, I'll sleep like 5 hours in a row and wake up feeling "weird," which I slowly realize is "refreshed."

I finally went for a sleep study. It was . . . eh. You get wired up and are monitored via mic and camera [which is . . . I mean, I'm glad I wore pretty jammies, I guess], and you're there for about 9 hours until you can go home and wash the electrode paste from your head and hair and face and body. The techs were very nice, and I actually slept for a couple of hours at a stretch, which was good, because if I didn't sleep long enough I'd have to go back AGAIN and I'd have to take a sleeping pill, just the thought of which was making me panic, so I had to do deep breathing to calm down, which I think helped me fall asleep.

The best part of the whole things was that for some reason, the toilet paper in my bathroom would not unroll. Seriously. At one point, there were three of us, grown women, who have all used toilet paper before, and have changed rolls before, trying to unlock the roll of toilet paper so I could use more than one square. We finally gave up and one of the nice techs brought me my own roll. I'm still trying to figure out the physics that wedged that roll in there. It will haunt me.


  1. I would totally sign up for a sleep study just to get my very own roll of toilet paper.
    My family members are Charmin hogs.

  2. So....are you okay? Is everything good or do you not know yet? It was trick toilet paper. Somewhere a bunch of 10-year-olds are laughing their butts off.

  3. I want to do a sleep study. I have no reason to do a sleep study. I'd like to know if I have any breathing issues but it doesn't keep me from sleeping, so --

    Also? That wasn't toilet paper.

  4. It happens to the best of us when need to use the toilet paper. In my case, I just tear through the whole thing after a 5 second try with patience. At 6 seconds, I just go bananas with that shit.

    The toilet paper that is.

  5. Was it dark in the sleep study? I imagine a hospital room where it never gets dark and there are weird sounds all night.

  6. Years ago, I checked myself into a sleep study. I slept for a few hours that night, but things were wonky. So I had to stay the entire next day . . . I watched the crappy TV, ate the crappy snacks, and, every three hours, I had to take a nap. So the electrode stuff all stayed glued to my head. And I didn't shower for like 2 days. I was gross.

    Anyway, there was evidence of dreaming while I was napping (I never had a problem falling asleep for a nap -- generally, I always fall asleep quite easily, but I wake up soon thereafter, and that pattern continues) . . . which I thought was completely normal, but apparently it isn't. The doc thought I had narcolepsy. The machine analysis thought I had sleep apnea. We went with the machine's diagnosis just because my car insurance provider might have dropped me if I actually had narcolepsy, though my ability to fall asleep mid-conversation at night says something is up.

    And when I have the opportunity to nap? I dream. So I don't know.

  7. Yes, I would like a follow-up post. I need to know the results of your sleep study.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.