Wednesday, August 13, 2014

You Say It's My Birthday? Yup. It Is.

It's my birthday. You can still give me presents. I'll accept late gifts and cards. I'm generous that way.

I'm 46.

It's pretty awesome to be 46, and not just because I'm closer to getting my AARP card. But also for these 45 other reasons:

1. I truly don't give a shit about pretty much anything.  Well, besides the insane stuff I get panic and anxiety over. But I think that has less to do with age and rational thought and more to do with crazy.

2. I can, after weighing the fact of my lactose intolerance and its attendant painful stomach upset, send my kid WHO CAN DRIVE out to pick me up an ice cream cone and eat it with joy in my heart.

3. I'm ok with seeing matinee movies.

4. I'm also ok with singing my ass off in the car and not giving a fuck who sees me.

5. Actually, I'm actively hoping someone will see me, and then we can have a duet.

6. I unironically consider fruit to be Nature's candy.

7. I assert my need for air conditioning.

8.  I'm unashamed about reading trashy books.

9. I will actually recommend trashy books to people.

10. I will gladly pay a lot of money for the right hair care product.

11.  I like going to the pool, even if it's by myself.

12. I smell AMAZING.

13. I'm ok with not buying or wearing tons of makeup.

14. My old lady hippie shoes are awesome.

15. I buy only the kind of pens I want [fine gel pens] and sometimes let other people use them. Actually, I only let the girl use them.

16. I have friends who treat me kindly.

17. I have family who love me.

18. I'm less apt to talk shit about people on the reg than I used to.

19. I use phrases like "on the reg."

20. I'm a really good flute player.

21. I'm hella talented at cross stitching.

22. I make excellent pasta.

23. I also make the stupidest-delicious chocolate cake, which I only share with people I really like.

24. I will buy myself a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and eat half and not give a shit about the resulting stomach ache.

25. I'm ok with re-watching tv shows and movies that I love.

26. I can be the person I want to be, even if only for a few minutes.

27. I will go to bed at 9:30pm if I am tired.

28. I have gorgeous hair. [See #10.]

29. I finally found mascara that makes my eyelashes look like they exist [Almay - who knew?].

30. I have grown enough as a person to kill a bug [when no one else is around to do it for me].

31. I enjoy quiet times at home.

32. I really enjoy having fun with people - even new people.

33. I own prescription sunglasses.

34. I can calculate a 20% tip in my head.

35. I'm really, really good at giving people mean nicknames.

36.  I can twerk it.

37. I know how to fold a fitted sheet.

38. I'm super calm when the girl is driving.

39. I floss every night.

40. My husband is one lucky bastard.

41. I sometimes let the cats sit on the ottomans, even though they are not allowed to sit on the ottomans [and even though it is my rule].

42. I do an excellent job polishing my nails. Mostly.

43. I can spell really well.

44. I do the New York Times crosswords in ink. Even the Friday ones, which are way harder than the Sunday ones.

45. I have met awesome internet people and they are SPECTACULAR.

46. The whole closer to getting my AARP card thing - they get discounts for EVERYTHING.

Love all you bitches. XOXOXOXO


  1. happy day to you sis-tah, from a newly inducted but yet to be redeemed, highly reluctant AARP member.

  2. happy birthday!!!!!!! I LOVE your list and you.

  3. Happy Birthday! Most excellent list. xo

  4. Happy 46, hope you have a great day

  5. Happy birthday!! I love your list.

  6. #24 We are so alike. I think all chips come in a single serving size NO MATTER HOW BIG THE BAG.

    #40 He IS!

    Happy birthday!

  7. Happy birthday! I hit 51 on Sunday, which I think means Robin Williams died on my bday, which sucks. Although Nixon resigned right near my 11th bday, so I guess it balances.

  8. Happy happy! I love this whole list, especially because I read unironically as unicornically and had this whole unicorn/fruit/nature's candy cool thing going on, and then read that you buy only the kind of penis you want, and well, shit, yeah, that should totally be a thing - fine gel penises, and women who are unafraid to pay good money for them (okay, actually it probably already is a thing, nobody send me links, I'm good). I turned 44 in June, and last week I went FUCKING CAMPING for the first time in twenty years, so I'm feeling like a rockstar warrior princess. Belly bump!

  9. you really are unique, amazing and fucking know that right?
    Plus, I know you smell and look amazing all the time (bitch!)

    I'm so glad the world gave me YOU...Happy BIRTHDAY month. (plus I get to hug you in October. Bring on the cupcakes! )



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