Medical Mysteries

Over the summer, I had to take the girl to the doctor for her physical, because school, and she had to get a TB test, because she'd gone to Spain [lucky, lucky child]. You remember how they used to give you those four-pronged electrical outlet TB tests? They don't do that anymore. Kids these days. They have it so easy.

Anyway, the thing that's still the same is that you have to go back to get the TB test "read" [which is in quotes, because there was literally nothing there to see, so you couldn't read anything, because the girl's arm was a blank page, and even giving you the modernist take on art and deconstruction, you can't read a blank page], so we went back to the doctor's office, where, I realized, I act like a goddamn toddler in constant need of entertainment when I'm in a medical facility with my kid. Here are my examples:

1) During the initial exam, we had to wait FOREVER, YES, FORGODDAMNFUCKINGEVER to see our doctor, who we LOVE except she takes FORMOTHERFUCKINGEVER, so the girl and I had a dance party to Iggy Azaela and Arianna Grande in the exam room, because why not? No one joined us, which kind of surprised me, because I had the music up pretty loud.

2) When we went back, the girl and I were giggling about EVERYTHING, most especially the following two things:

2a) The girl trying to exit the office, whereupon she PUSHED and PUSHED on a door clearly marked PULL, which had me nearly peeing my pants, and then,

2b) I sexually harassed an old lady in the elevator, when she told her husband to move toward the back of the elevator because "my bottom's going to get grabbed by the doors" and I said, "Hey, a little action in the morning never hurt anyone."

3) I took the girl to the eye doctor, and when I was filling out the forms, it asked for her occupation, so I put "Kid" because I figure that's as valid as any other, and we LAUGHED AND LAUGHED so hard that the office staff started cracking up at us.

So, if you ever need a date to the doctor's office, I'm your gal.